I remember you

Just sitting here thinking about mortality.

I have not been feeling too hot the past few weeks.  Thinking I am going through a flare.  I see the rheumatologist soon.  I am currently not on any medication.  I don't want to take anything while breastfeeding my soon.  He will be a year next month, I don't know if we will be ready to wean by then.  I think it might be a combination of things causing this flare.  The stress of the new move, the crazy weather, and lack of sleep.  Yes, for some reason, DS has not allowed me to sleep.  He demands to nurse about every hour or so at night.  And some nights, just when I think he has fallen asleep and try to get into a comfortable position, he's demanding to nurse again!  I try to make up for that during his afternoon nap.  He usually takes a 2 hour nap.   But we've had things disrupt our normal schedule, so no nap for me.  He's gotten his naps either in the car or being carried around.

Anyways, I've been pretty fortunate that my condition has not really affected any of my organs.  One of the medications I was on had some damaging results to my liver, but I was quickly taken off that medication and that was way before the kids came along.

I have known a few people to pass in the past couple years.  I am sad to think that I won't get to know how they are doing anymore.  I remember when my grandmother passed away.  I had seen her two years prior at my sister K's high school graduation.  Sometimes I have dreams with her in it and then in my dream, I remember she is dead, so I don't know if she is telling me a message.  But the dreams with her are never scary.  She was a kind woman, from what I remember of her.

A former co-worker and great friend just passed.  He actually passed on DH's birthday.  I remember when he told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, but not to say anything to anyone.  I was naive and thought stage 4 was the least to worry about and figured since he did not want people knowing, it was not that bad.  But then I googled it and was devastated at what I read.  He did not want people worrying about him.  I enjoyed reading his posts on facebook and seeing photos.  He was so proud of his family.  His eyes twinkled when he spoke of his wife and kids.  That's what I will remember about him, he loved his family!  So anyways, his wife C posted something about busting him out, which made me think he was getting better.  And then I saw a post about his viewing!  I was saddened.  I should have stopped by before we left Virginia.  I had a dream before he passed that I visited him in the hospital and that he purchased my parents home and created a huge play house for his daughter.  His kids were the age I remembered seeing them last and not at their current ages.

Last week, my sister J texted me that one of our cousins had died.  An autopsy report is still being drafted.  The last time I saw my cousin he might have been 8 or 9.  He was probably 25 or 26 when he died.  I know it was a long time since seeing him.  I have not seen a lot of family members since I graduated high school and joined the service.

I need to start saving for a trip to visit my family in Florida.  We have not been home since DD was about 18 months.  That means nobody has met DS.  My sister E might be the first to meet him since she lives about 6.5 hours away.  We just need to make a plan that works with her busy schedule.  MIL is coming for Thanksgiving.  FIL has never met any of the kids.  We have not seen him since we attended his wedding in 2001!